What My Broken Heart Has Taught Me

Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will opened.” (Matthew 7:7-8 NIV) There is a lesson in this instruction from Jesus Sermon on the Mount that God has been teaching me this year.

© Ananya Rubayant

I have an area of my life that I am not thrilled with. To be honest, it is an area that I find very little satisfaction at all. I have my desires and I have found over the years that my desires have not been met. My heart is broken over this. I had dreamed for years of these desires being lived out … but when the opportunity for them has presented itself … I have found my heart crushed and have felt no real hope for fulfillment. And what makes it even worse, I have had little indulgences in these desires, and I know they are not just desires and hopes, but if lived out would provide a bit of good satisfaction to my life.

So in my despair, I decided I was going to pray about this area of my life. This has been an immense blessing. Not only in prayer did I get the dissatisfaction off of my proverbial chest but I also learned a little bit more about myself. Prayer forces us to be introspective about ourselves. When we pray the correct way, we come before the throne of God humble, honest, and looking at our motives for our petitions. The process of prayer broke me. I asked the question of am I being selfish? Am I wrong in my desires? Are my desires His intention for this gift? Is this what’s best for everyone involved? Is this something that honors God? In my introspection God opened the eyes of my heart.

And then God showed me some areas of improvement in my heartache. For that I thanked God. I was thrilled. I celebrated. I was joyous because I was seeing improvement. And that is where I made a mistake. My mistake was not in thanking God for His answer to my prayers. That was an essential ingredient in the process. I do not think we can ever ask God for his work and movement and ignore that blessing. How arrogant we are if we fail to thank God! My mistake was I stopped praying for His continued work.

I saw improvement, I thanked God, and then I left it alone. And with that, I stopped working on myself, I stopped making the improvements I needed to, and I stopped being introspective, learning all the things that prayer was teaching me. Now, my heart is crushed again, and I have found myself back almost where I started. I am unhappy. I am feeling a state of depression. It is affecting my relationships with those that I love. I am not proud of who I am right now. I am not driven. I am lazy. I am mad at myself.

Jesus told us to ask, seek, and knock. This is a continual process. God already knows who we are and what we need before we ever ask Him. He only wants what’s best for us. But sometimes He waits until we are ready to come to Him, because in prayer, in our broken state He wants to teach us, He wants to mold us, He wants to shape us into His masterpiece. And when I saw improvement, I stopped God’s work, thinking He was done. God was not ready to stop working, but I had selfishly decided God was done. I am only sorry it took more heartbreak to learn this lesson. From now on I will ask, seek, and knock until God shows me that His work is complete. 

November 22 – James 1 - 5

Below are my thoughts from the daily Bible reading of the West Side Church of Christ. Today’s reading comes from James 1 - 5. Before reading I invite you to pray and asked God to speak to you as you read his word. Also above in the tabs is a link to the Bible reading plan.

Photo Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

God has a wonderful sense of timing. Today he showed himself to me in a powerful way. My heart is hurting right now. I just have a mix of emotions flooding my mind. I have struggled to be productive, to write, to listen, and to worship because my heart has been heavy. I am not going to skirt around the truth … sometimes ministry is hard. Sometimes I get deflated. Sometimes people can sting. Often it is a culmination of things over a longer period of time.

Oh there are joys. The mountain tops are amazing. Watching someone come to Jesus is the greatest joy any minister could see and participate in. Watching people grow in Christ is just as rewarding. Participating in the weddings and funerals of members are both rewarding in their own ways. Being able to walk with church members in the trials of their lives gives ministry a real sense of purpose. Being able to communicate and teach the text of God’s Word is an immense responsibility and pleasure. I truly love my job.

But then there are seasons where I doubt my leadership. There are seasons when I doubt my strength. There are seasons I look at what I have been called to and think it is way above my own abilities and knowledge. I think these thoughts because I am serving real people, with real desires, with real problems, with real limitations, with real personalities, with real sin issues, and with real life happing.

Before reading today I sat down broken. I tried reading some blogs, but they just reminded me of another area of my life that I feel is not where I desire it to be. Thankfully that has all happened because it took me to my prayer journal. It forced me to go to the only place I could … to God. I sat and wrote my heart break before God. I turned on a cover of Wrecking Ball and God spoke to me. I then listened to Garden by NEEDTOBREATH and worship ensued. As I wrote I poured my heart to God through writing and another song Rest by Carrolton. Through it all God and I connected in a way that I had put off far too long.

And then God reminded me what trials and difficulties are in place for. When I sat down to read, and came to the passage I laughed. It is James 1. After his greeting James gives rather strange advice … “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:24 NIV) Here I am broken, going through trial, and it all erupts on the day we are scheduled to read this passage.

God I love you. I love your timing. I love your comfort. I love your strength. Thank you for your amazing reminder that you have a plan. Thank you for your reminder that you are involved in my life. Thank you for the reminder that you are running me through the fire to mold me and shape me into the creation you desire me to be. I know that when I walk with you, nothing is too big, or too out of reach, because of who you are. Thank you for the reminder that when I am hurting, I can turn to you! God I love you. 

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September 25 – Ezra 7-10

Below are my thoughts from the daily Bible reading of the West Side Church of Christ. Today’s reading comes from Ezra 7-10. Before reading I invite you to pray and asked God to speak to you as you read his word. Also above in the tabs is a link to the Bible reading plan.

In our reading today we come to a very tough passage. Ezra is now on scene in Jerusalem. King Artaxerxes’ has sent Ezra back to be a leader of the people. In doing so he gave magnificently to Israel and to God. I love that along the way Ezra acknowledges God presence with them … “Praise be to the LORD, the God of our fathers, who has put into the king’s heart to bring honor to the house of the LORD in Jerusalem this way.” (Ezra 7:27 NIV) This is a lesson we would be wise to practice as we go through life.

When Ezra returns the Temple is built and worship and sacrifices are complete; it is brought to his attention that many men who returned from exile have married women who were not Israelites. This was a grievous problem. The Law of Moses, which Ezra is an expert in, strictly forbids this practice. The reason for this is the invitation of foreign pagan worship amongst the people as well as the mothers worship influence upon their children. In complete and total mourning, Ezra is given a solution from within … lead the men to divorce their wives.

An assembly of the people took place three days later and it was decided that over the next several months

Photo Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

an investigation would ensue. At the end of this investigation one hundred and thirteen men were found guilty and a divorce was issued. The wife and any children were sent packing. Now this seems incredibly harsh, especially in light of our Christian understanding of divorce. But we must remember what God is doing here in Israel … preparing the way of the Messiah!

Dr. James Smith offers some help in understanding the difficulties of this account …

“First, the major problem being addressed was the religious influence of the mothers on their children. Second, sending away the children with their mothers was less cruel than forcibly separating them from their children. Third, keeping the religion of the Lord pure was the one and only aim of Ezra. Fourth, only by insulating themselves from the sea of pagan influence around them could the religious identity of God’s people be maintained.” [i]

Regardless of the reasons this is still a difficult thing for us to understand. We must remember that spiritual purity is an incredibly important aspect of Jewish life at this point. We can also find some conciliation that there is widespread belief in the academic community that each situation was investigated. That is the reason for the marriage tribunal that was created. Many believe they reviewed each case and if the wife had truly turned to God and rejected her pagan practices she remained as a wife. It was only those who held on to their pagan god’s that were removed from Israel.

The scariest part of all this is that the leaders had the worst percentage of offences. Twenty-seven priest and Levites were found to have pagan wives who did not convert to God. That is twenty five percent of the people. This is a huge grievance. If the leaders could not follow God, how could the people they were leading? It is important that leaders set the stage for everyone else. This not only held true in Ezra’s day, but in our day as well.

This passage is hard to read. It is hard to fathom that many heartbreaks taking place. But it was necessary. God needed purity. God needed these people to bring the Messiah into the world. A severe action had to take place. We would be wise to think things through before embarking on a destructive path that will only bring heartbreak.

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[i] Smith, James E. The Book of History. Joplin: College Press, 1995. 716. Print.

September 12 – Joel 1-3

Below are my thoughts from the daily Bible reading of the West Side Church of Christ. Today’s reading comes from Joel 1-3. Before reading I invite you to pray and asked God to speak to you as you read his word. Also above in the tabs is a link to the Bible reading plan. 

Photo Credit: Matt Molly

In the ancient world one way to show grief, shock, or repentance was by tearing your clothing from the neck down. This was an outward symbol of what was going on in the mind and heart in the moment of anguish. In our twenty-first century minds this is an odd way to show grief. But in reality until recently we had some similar practices … wearing only black to a funeral … as a minister I attend many funerals, people no longer wear solid black to funerals. I am sure there are other ways today that we show morning through our outward appearances.

God knew this practice existed and in the return from exile, He wanted His people to turn back to Him. “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning. Do not tear your clothing in your grief, but tear your hearts instead.” Return to the LORD your God, for he is merciful and compassionate.” (Joel 2:12-13 NLT).

So while we may show the physical signs of mourning, I do not believe that is enough. I believe we must turn to God. We must find comfort and strength in Him. In God we should find our medicine. Only in God will true joy be realized. In cognitive thinking that is an easy thing to do. But in a practical application it is harder. Doing so will be something that takes effort, thought, and time to develop into a habit. To tear your heart and not your clothes is giving it to God because only He can mend the torn heart. 

September 6 – Ezekiel 31-33

Below are my thoughts from the daily Bible reading of the West Side Church of Christ. Today’s reading comes from Ezekiel 31-33. Before reading I invite you to pray and asked God to speak to you as you read his word. Also above in the tabs is a link to the Bible reading plan.

Photo Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

God instructs Ezekiel to do something strange today … “Son of man, mourn for Pharaoh, king of Egypt, and give him this message,” (Ezekiel 32:2 NLT) and “I will disturb many hearts when I bring news of your downfall to distant nations you have never seen.” (Ezekiel 32:9 NLT) God is bringing judgment against Egypt. He knows it will disturb hearts, but he also instructs Ezekiel to mourn. That is an odd request for God to make of a man who possibly sees Egypt as an enemy.

This past week news broke that Ariel Castro had hung himself in his prison cell. You probably remember that Ariel Castro was the Cleveland man who kept three women hostage in his home for nearly ten years. With one of the girls, Amanda Berry he fathered a daughter. What reaction ran through your mind when you heard the news of his death? Did you celebrate because now the man was dead, he could no longer harm anyone else, and we as taxpayers do not have to pay to keep him alive? Or did you mourn for him knowing that he probably did not know Jesus as his Lord and Savior, and is now spending eternity in Hell? Or do you think his eternal punishment in Hell is perfectly fine?

God told Ezekiel to mourn for Egypt because of what He was getting ready to do to them. I believe whole heartedly that God loves every person who has ever walked this planet no matter the evil in their hearts. I think it tears God’s heart in two whenever one is sent to eternity in Hell. God told Ezekiel to mourn for Egypt. I believe we should mourn for our enemies as well. Yes, people who do wrong, who harm others should pay for their crimes. But no where, no way should we celebrate their eternal punishment in Hell. That should break our hearts. 

August 13 – Jeremiah 23-25

Below are my thoughts from the daily Bible reading of the West Side Church of Christ. Today’s reading comes from Jeremiah 23-25. Before reading I invite you to pray and asked God to speak to you as you read his word. Also above in the tabs is a link to the Bible reading plan. 

Photo Credit: Dexell1827

While extremely grateful, I realized today I have always somewhere felt bad for the pilgrims. I am grateful that they came and settled here in the new world. But when we hear the stories of how hard life was for them especially during the first few winters, my heart breaks for them. And the genesis of it all was to escape religious persecution; all so they could worship God the way they believed they should. After today’s readings, I am beginning to wonder if I should feel so bad for them. Let me explain.

In our reading today we find a discussion between God and Jeremiah. God is telling Jeremiah what He is going to do to the faithful in Judah and Jerusalem. He does so through a picture of good and rotten figs. Here is what God said of the good figs … “The good figs represent the exiles I sent from Judah to the land of the Babylonians. I will watch over and care for them, and I will bring them back here again. I will build them up and not tear them down. I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them hearts that recognize me as the LORD. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me wholeheartedly.” (Jeremiah 24:5-7 NLT) God basically said he was taking His people, the good people, those who loved Him and was moving them out to protect them.

The amazing thing to me was he was moving them to a pagan land where they could truly worship God as they choose. We know some of these as Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah from Daniel 1. These men glorified God in amazing ways as we see with the fiery furnace and Daniel in the den of lions. The words God spoke to and through Jeremiah He fulfilled in those stories, plus many more.

Should we feel bad for Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah? No! They were under the care of God in the land of Babylon. The good figs were protected and cared for. The bad figs, those that remained in Jerusalem, they are the ones our hearts should break for. They were the ones to feel the wrath of God. What about in your own life? Do you have people whom God would consider a bad fruit, simply because they have not accepted a life changing relationship with Jesus? Does your heart break for them?

Maybe I am simply finding perspective. No longer will my heart break for the pilgrims. Maybe their trails here were God using them to do something new and bigger in His grand scheme. God sending the faithful off to Babylon was His protection. Where my heart should break is for people who do not love and know God. 

Seasons

Here in South West Ohio fall has come in full force. Despite the lack of rain over the past few months we have been blessed with a wide range of fall colors. One thing I love about this part of the country is we have the privilege of experiencing all four season of the year. Each season has something different to offer and experience. The cold nippy wind of winter along with a fresh blanket of snow provides a clean pure earth. The warm, pleasant breeze of spring, with all the flowers, the smell of fresh cut grass, reminds of rebirth. The hot long days of summer, with the wind whistling through the trees, makes you long to be outdoors spending time with friends and family. The changing of the air, the bright array of fall colors, brings a warmth, yet a chill, returning families to the indoors, brings with it a sense of comfort and strength.

Over the past few weeks I have felt in my own life that I have been going through a change in season. At times I feel I am walking hand in hand with God. I feel like I have God in my thoughts continually. I am in his word. I am praising him through song. I am somewhere in my head sharing my thoughts, my likes, my dislikes, my excitements and my heartaches. I am using tools to study his word in ways I have never done before. I am striving for his church in ways that cannot be stopped. But then, something outside my control enters in, and that season begins to change. Then I go through a time where I feel distant from God. I am not in his word, unless teaching or preaching. I am not picking up commentaries/study aides, unless in preparation for a lesson. I am not spending time in prayer, unless leading one for a class or group. I am not spending time in worship, unless on Sunday mornings.

Then out of the blue my heart breaks. It is much like the heart break I have felt when breaking up with a girlfriend. You know the deep pit in your stomach, the knot that ties up deep inside, the feeling of being all alone, the feeling of hurt that just changes your entire demeanor and attitude. Your outlook on life quickly becomes different. This feeling exist because in a way you are breaking up with God. You are feeling lonely, your attitude is affected, and you are hurting because you are separated from the one you care about so much. But we have an amazing promise.

As Joshua was preparing to take over the leadership role of Moses, God gave him this promise. “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” As a follower of Christ, I have that promise too. The writer of Hebrews reminds his audience of that in 13:5. In my seasons of separation from God, he has never left nor has he stopped leading. It is during these seasons where his leadership picks up. It is during these seasons that he uses his spirit to gently nudge me, to remind me of the relationship we have. It is during these seasons that he breaks my heart for him.

I thank God for constantly being there. I thank God that he continues to nudge me, even when I do a horrible job of living for him. I thank God that he still uses me for his service.

So what do your season of life look like? How does God nudge you to do something you should be but are neglecting to do? How does God use his spirit to break your heart?

(Above image was taken from the website for Bob Atkins Photography)

What have we done!!!

Below is the daily Bible reading I am doing for the West Side Church. Please feel free to follow along.

My heart broke as I read today’s passage (Ephesians 5). Today Paul is talking about relationship and how we are to relate within the church. Paul shares these thoughts…

“Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love”

“Live as Children of light”

“Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the father for everything”

“Submit to one another out of reverence”

In the church we are to live in harmony. We are not to get into quarrels with each other. We are not to get in quarrels with the world. We are to be light, we are to be love, and we are to be peaceful, praising God in one accord. We are to submit to one another.

Then Paul begins a discussion of how wives and husbands are to treat each other. In the middle of that discussion Paul uses the church as an example. This is where my heart broke. Read carefully the word of Paul …

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

What have we done my heart cried out! Does the church we know today, does the church we see in history resemble the church that Paul described Christ giving to us? I do not think so. Over the course of time our human hearts, minds, and hands have really blemished the church. Over time we have sent men on Crusades who have done some wicked things. Over time the church has persecuted people to death for witchery. Over time the church has spilt into many different groups because of arguments over doctrine and understanding. Over time man has thrown into the mud something pure, beautiful, and holy. My heart breaks for what man has done.

So how can we restore the church back to the purity that Christ presented her with? We can begin by applying the passages listed above; be imitators of God, Live as Children of light, praise God together in one accord, and submit to one another.